Kobe’s Pre-Game Talk to Laker Teammates

. . or what Kobe should say:
“Not much to say here, guys. We know the situation, and we put ourselves in this predicament. But we’re Home now. This is our floor, and our war, and we’re going to win. I’ll personally see to that. And I’m not talking 81 here – I know that I’ve taken some ill-advised shots; I realize that I’ve demanded the ball, been a little unsupportive at times. . .https://i1.wp.com/multimedia.heraldinteractive.com/images/f3d2628503_kobe.jpg. . but I want to win, dammit. And we ALL should want to win.

Lamar, I love you like a brother. . .but right now I’m talking about YOU. You’re bored, you’re mentally absent. . .you’re playing your way out of the City, my man. I see it in your face, I see it in the locker room – you’re distractedhttps://i1.wp.com/dimemag.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/odom_30_07-480x319.jpg

“Maybe it’s me – maybe I just need to love you and coddle youhttps://i1.wp.com/www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com/Chicago+Bulls+v+Los+Angeles+Lakers+I5IRdawQpkyl.jpg. . .but it’s time you STEP back up and play like you are capable of playing. I’m not asking you to do that every day; you can go back to Khloe, go back to Miami in the off-season. Just give me TWO games. . .

“And Ronnie, my beloved RonRon. I’m not asking you to be Ronnie Pippen, and I’m definitely not asking you to be Dennis Rodmanhttp://christiewalkerhair.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/ron-artest-lakers-hair-1009-425.jpg, but something in between would be nice. You know, kind of like you were in Indiana, Sacramento and even Houston – what happened to the Artest that would intimidate the sternest foes in the league, the Ronnie that could throw an elbow and rip a steal on one end and finish with a pull-up J so ugly that only a momma could love it?
My point is, you can BUST, my man – you are indeed a gifted offensive basketball player. . .you dropped 20 a game in Sactown for an entire season! Forget Phil, forget the Malice in the Palace, forget Plaschke. . .be YOU. Make Queensbridge proud, Son.”http://vocalrebellion.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/nas.jpg

Pau, you were holding your own. You are soft, but let’s be honest – you stepped it up and you won us a Title, and for that I’ll forever be thankful. But we know you outsmarted Howard & Co. This is the Celtics. Kendrick and Big Baby and KG – they know how to box, they know how to body and they damn sure know how to play. And last game worried me, Espana. . .last game flashed me back to 2008, when you’re European ass was clowned by players, media & fans alikehttps://i1.wp.com/blogs.pe.com/prosports/pau-celtics.jpg But then a new you emerged – a beast, an animal, a true champion- THAT is the Pau that we need, that is the Gasol that will play Kareem to my Magic. You bust ass and we WILL win this title.

Fish, you’re on the hook here too. You’ve been with me since I was a kid, and I respected you then the same I respect you now. And we need you; I’m not the leader of this time, you are. I’m depending on you here to tell me when I’m trying to do to much, when I’m letting the Mamba take control of my personality. It’s always been you to provide the calm, and the big shotshttps://i1.wp.com/www.elite-view.com/art/Sports_Athletics/Basketball_NBA/AAGK131~Derek-Fisher--04-Game-Winning-Shot-Photofile.jpg
We need you now more than ever, D-Fish, so keep doing what you’re doing.

Drew, I’m certain that the parking lot incident is forever emblazoned in your conscious the same way knee injuries are forever representative of your ability to play. I’m not calling you soft, but real ‘TOUGH’ guys don’t make an issue out of the fact that they’re playing through injuries *ahem: pinky, knee, back, elbow, ME cough* – I’m truly glad you’re out here but seriously, if you’re going to pull this single-single crap then move over and let Josh Powell get some burn, at least he will give me 100% without fear of exacerbating injury.  Memo to you, Bynum: this is the FINALS – if you get ‘reinjured,’ you have all off-season and most of next season to recover. Everybody knows this NBA season is just about Playoff seeding. Get your head in the game, and bring your heart – unfortunately we didn’t get Bosh so we can’t do it without you. . .


“and Bench Mob, I’m saving the best for you. Sasha, you’re not the machine but you’ve been hitting a few shots; otherwise, Jordan – you already talking about where you’re playing next year? Let me tell you something, Farmar – you grew up in the Valley, went to school over the hill and now work downtown, and you already want to leave? I’d be surprised, except your post-season play has shown exactly that. Either step it up for for 96 more minutes or good riddance. . .and believe that I’m coming down your throat when we matchup when you’re in Washington. Shannon, you’re not playing much better – in fact, you’ve disappeared recently. You and Farmar have combined for 34 points this series. You think that’s acceptable?!?! Get to the hoop, get some points and help a brother out. We NEED production from you, and you will provide it – you hear me?!?! Bytheway, Luke – have you been suiting up? I haven’t really noticed. . .https://i2.wp.com/lakers.topbuzz.com/gallery/d/1873-2/luke-walton-full_getty-71796590sd004_ca_phoenix_su_11_23_04_pm.jpg

“In short, fellas, we have two games to win, and there’s no way we’re losing. I’m not putting the onus on any player, because it’s on ALL of us. We’ve been here before, and I’ll do the heavy lifting – y’all just go out there and get dirty, play tough and execute. With that, the Title is OURS.”



  1. james conetta


    JIMMY C.

  2. Robert the World History teacher

    When we make the playoffs, I want you to use that same speech on the Dogs. Just change the names around a bit.

    Nice job, Coach.

  3. Reality


  4. Kobe B

    lol this is the gayest thing I’ve ever read, You must have a good router if the wifi signal can reach all the way into your closet….

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